Winter

It has been a while since my last post and it seems that my posts are getting further and further from each other. To tell you the truth I just don't have anything to say. I have a house that feels more like a Motel 6 charging by the hour. They come they go and all I can say is nothing. They are all characters that I am learning something from so I just watch. I must say that because there are so many of my husbands side in the house I can't help but get better at speaking and understanding my second language of Spanish.
All and all things are good and I hope they will continually get better for the new year. Manolo and I have had some hard times and we are looking forward to 2007.

Eating in OHIO

Because all I have to say is HOTDOG SUSHI!

Need I say more?

NO NO please really blow the picture up and take a look at it.
It is of a hot dog!

No one is Home!

I am Tara's creative side. I chose when to come out and what to do.
She has no control over me and though I know she wishes I came out to play more often I keep her urning for more.
It is the sick joke I must play on her to keep her on edge.
No one knows when I will show but when I do it is always fun or at least interesting to see.
You should see her when the other sides have control.

where it is...

Let me take a breath…
OK
I miss the cold and I know that you should be careful as to what you wish for because you may get it, but to that I say bring it on…
I swallow the 70 degrees Decembers and the yells from the couch about it being hot with a Christmas tree standing in my living room.
I know what it is to live on the extreme of both ends, but to live in the middle, will work for me, that is what I wish for so please give me the best of both.
I know that my family and I are blest with everything we have ever wanted but there is always more. That is HUMAN NATURE…

First I wish the best for all that surrounds me; then I wish that this year will yield a new life in location and new life in growth.

Signs Of Hope

I have been looking around and I am starting to see some of the benefits of working towards my BA in Marketing. Though I have not tried to find a job nor am I looking for one, I do see that most of the people (the editor of The New Yorker) who have done really well for themselves just with their BA in Something. I know this doesn’t look like great hope but here is where it gets good… The way I see it is once I receive that piece of expensive, time consuming, spirit braking, paper I will then know that I don’t ever have to back to school as long as I want. I will have learned my lease that I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to and will have a piece of paper that says I have already suffered and lost time in my life, now give me 20,000 dollars more a year out of respect.
Thank you vary much!

Enough

Think think think that is all I do, should I say this, should I not say that. I still shock people but I my words are like a knife cutting to the soft tissue of people’s emotions. I can see their feeling being emaciated but yet all I can do is publicly apologize and much like when I was a kid I really don’t feel bad that I said it but I just don’t want the other person to feel embarrassed. Public embarrassment is one thing that I chose to try not to do to people very often but if need be I will not hold back. I do believe in just deserts.

Happy

December

People

Truck Stop

I sit and think the truck stop café of my mind…

I think I need a change of weather
I want to feel the soft skin on my hands crack and bleed from the cold breeze
I want the feeling of a scratchy sweater on my moist skin
I need to feel the weight of mutable blankets on my bed pressing my body into a cocoon position
These are some of the things that make me feel alive

I miss the feeling of time pass
Stop this purgatory life I am living

Stella got her grove back

I broke my routine last night and decided that after school I was going to go downtown to take some pictures and do some thinking. This is not abnormal for me because I used to do this when I was single, a long time ago. As I walked the streets there were a few homeless people that were huddled up on the old church steps and I couldn’t help but think about how I could be sitting there with them or I could return tomorrow with some hot soup to knock the chill off. As cautions as I have to be walking the dark streets in downtown I headed for more familiar territory, The Hub. This is a little bar my husband and our friends meet at from time to time. Upon my approach I see two men at an ATM, at this point my guard goes up and I begin to look around. As the two men walk from under the direct light to the street light I notice that they look vaguely familiar.
Hey… Wait… Is that…
Hey Manolo and Freddy!
It is my husband and our friend and they were just as shocked to see me as I was to see them.
Hey we are going to the Cotton Club, want to come?
Sure I was staring to get followed by some guy anyway. Let’s go!
What are the chances that I go to be alone and think and there is my husband walking the dark streets of downtown. Scary after being with someone for some time how you meet on the same level all the time.
So we jump in the car and head to Cotton Club.
This experience needs to be thought about before committing to paper so please stay tuned for the rest of the story.

The Weakest Link

Have you ever tried your hardest to be really efficient and productive at something only to find that you are wasting your time?
Why does being successful at everything push people to do things they never wanted to do in the first place?
I am having one of those weeks been everything I touch turns to poop.
When I try to think nothing comes out and if something does come out it ends up being really bad.
Every move I make is turning into five more moves I have to take to fix what I have just did.
O MY GOD I am having the hardest time concentrating with rap boy next to me.
I am walking around with my frowny face on way too much and I have to do something about that.
Lets see what can I do that will turn my frown upside down?
Quit my job
Run away
Go on a binge
I think I really need a binge right about now
My levels are way too high even for meditation to fix

Why do I write this shit?
Does anyone really read this?
Why do any of you read this?

Sorry this can’t be buttoned up in just one entry so until next time all my little friends.
More to come.
PS Sorry to all for my bad attitude.

Out of bed

Sorry that I have not been keeping up with my blog lately but I have a house full of people and it is not always the easiest to get to the computer. By the way all my settings have been converted to Spanish so if I am not coming across clearly it is becasue everything is set up for Spanish.
Other occurences in the house include parties and lots of eatting. Among all this fun I have manager to catch a cold.
Sorry to report that I am tired and need to make this short because I am going back to bed.
Thanks ya’ll for stoping by and I hope to be up and running soon.

At Home

Medial tasks of the weekend:
Enjoy time with my sweetie
Paint new television stand
Take pictures
Watch the sun come up
Get new insurance
Dress porch for the Harvest
Watch television
Work on portfolio
Do some homework

Sorry this isn’t deep writing but this is the way my thoughts are working right now. Nothing is longer then a task list. Focusing is extremely hard for me right now. I hope this doesn’t last long but it seems to have a good grip on me and I don’t see it letting go anytime soon. I will work on opening my focus mojo this week and hopefully I will be able to give you some substance.
Until next time my readers.

One more thing…
I got a blister on my left foot and I think I am getting arthritis in my hands.

Here is one of my pictures, I hope you enjoy it.

Treasure

I have been having some trouble with my car lately and my husband and I are entertaining the idea of selling the thing and getting something a little bigger. Our family is growing but our car is not, so I was in the storage area searching desperately for the title of my car, which was sent to me about three years ago. To be quite honest with you the last time I remember seeing the darn thing was when I opened the envelop and ran around the house waving the title in air screaming with total joy that I would no longer have a stupid car payment.
Long story short…
I didn’t find it.
However I did find this disc with some pictures on it and my curiosity got the best of me so I popped it into Shamus (our computer) and this is what I found.




This is a picture of my dad throwing the ashes of my mom into San Francisco Bay.
I was unable to attend. It made me sad to see but I am trying to find the positive in it and I have come to this…
(I take a deep breath and a sip of wine)
She is not here to help me along with the rest of my life but every time I look in the mirror I see her starring back at me.

I am glad I found this…
I needed this…

Fun at the Arismendy's

Last Tuesday I came home from school and was greeted by my lovely husband who after a nice conversation stops and looks me in the eyes.
He says to me "I have some bad news but it is not all lost yet."
Ok at this point with Manolo I have no idea what to expect.
Then he says it, "I lost my wedding ring, outside, with the leaves, I think in the front yard, or in the bag of leaves."
HEHEHE
I will not get mad... I will not get mad...
It was Sunday by the time we both had time to go through the leaf bags. Luckily there was only two and they were relatively small compared the that of the North.



Here we are staring on Bag number one.
Doesn't that look fun...

Guess what, of course it is not in the first bag we combed through on our hands and knees. :(



Here we are going through bag number two.
WoooHooo...
Manolo found it and we look up at one another with so much happiness and smiling from ear to ear.



This really is a funny story but I am just off right now on my story telling.
You know when you have great things coming your way for a while then it just stops. Well I am at a stop.
I hope that it picks up soon because I am really getting tired of not having anything to say or anyway to get what is inside of me out.

Plucked from my influences

I was sitting pondering the other day about immigration and migration. We all know about immigration but what if you think about migration. Let me put it this way. You are a hard working single mom living in an over populated city that is offering you very little money, bad living conditions, and a terrible education system for you children. How much different are you from a migrant worker or immigrant living in the states?
To immigrate is to leave your home and head for a better life in an unknown land. Just as you could do if you move to a small town, thus migration. You may live a life with lower pay there because the jobs can’t offer as much but you will not have the worries of your child having a less then average education, sharing books with other students, or being shot at by gangs etc. We never know what other people are living even if it is in front of our face. We have to live their experiences to truly understand.
So next time you see that hardworking migrant or transplant, be a little sympathetic. You never know the hell they have lived. Have you ever had to make stew from a coffee pot because that is the oly thing close to a stove you have.

Have you ever sat in a room with other people, all each working on their own project and you become so committed to what you’re doing that by the time you feel tired and need some inspiration you look up to find yourself sitting in a empty room?
I am finally bringing my head up and I am finding myself in an empty room.
(My dear family and friends, please don’t misunderstand me)
There are things in everyone’s life that they can only do alone and for me dedicating myself to school is one of those things.
I know that no one can do it for me. It is my ability to schedule my time to make my life functional.
What I am getting to is that I am here for the next two years and I have already made some commitments that I can’t break.
I have never quit anything in my life that was good for me. I have quit some that were bad, but that is another story.
I have never given up all hope either. I have been lost and wanted to quit in bouts of desperation but the bottom line is that I (we all) must keep going.
People of the Baby Boomer Generation keep saying to me “Well when I was in school they thought us all about _______.” Well your generation messed it up for my generation by making the television our babysitter so please stop saying that you are so great and smart because if you were I would know what you already know, but at 16 not 61.
What I am alluding to is that I must learn to work through my hardship and figure out how to continue living my life to its most enjoyable aspects.

Home Sweet Home

I want to share something that I found on wizardacademy.com. I have been thinking of returning to my home town with my new family but the closer I get to home the more I see that I no longer fit in. I thought this was funny because I just so happen to come across this quote from John Steinbeck and found that even though times change and people change the issues are relatively the same.

I hope you enjoy.

"My town had grown and changed and my friend along with it. Now returning, as changed to my friend as my town was to me, I distorted his picture, muddied his memory. When I went away I had died, and so became fixed and unchangeable. My return caused only confusion and uneasiness. Although they could not say it, my old friends wanted me gone so that I could take my proper place in the pattern of remembrance - and I wanted to go for the same reason."- John Steinbeck in Travels With Charley

Epiphany in the shower

My sister-in-law and mother-in-law are here in the states from Columbia, South America and I am really glad to have them. My husband’s side of the family rarely talks to me in English so I rely on what little Spanish I can speak and work off body language for the rest. That has been working out well for the past 5 years but I know that I have to learn their language. Manolo’s sister and mother will be with us for the most part of three months and spending time with other family members in the area.
I am amazed at how well we all get along, you know how some families change their song and dance after the wedding and relationships sour. Well all is looking good on my side of the picket fence and I am hoping that it stays that way.
Anywho, Manolo and I have had the house for two years and have lived together for about four years; though we have had people come and stay with us I have forgotten what it sounds like to have people in our home. I mean when you’re growing up all you know is people stomping through the house and TV’s being on full blast all the time. But for me I have forgotten all the sounds of a living house. I have been in my own dwelling for eight years and it just blows me away as to how sound sensitive I have become.
For the past three days I have had two more people in my house walking around, watching TV, and cooking in my kitchen. It is nice to have a house full of people and I always enjoy having people here because both our families live so far away, but it hit me just this morning, in the shower. If I let the noise become an unbearable burden then this experience of sharing my home will become an emotional scare that I will carry with me forever. However, if I instead dance to the new rhythm of my wooden house it can be a great experience. All the tapping of shoes, the pings of pots and pans, the muffled sounds of phone conversations as my bass line, do you hear a Disney musical happening here?
All and all I am glad to have them here and can’t wait to really focus on learning the native tongue of my new family. When I really think about it is just great to have more women in my house, you know hanging with the girls on the couch and knitting.

Annoying Factor

I am dealing with people all day just like everyone else in this world and I just can’t help but want to jab a pencil in some of their ears. I have to listen to all the whoos of your life and how it is hard to work and garden all in one week. You came to me to tell me how your day is hard and your tired. Well let me just roll out the red carpet for your tired old feet. Let me show you the way to the edge of the cliff where I can push you off so you can tumble to the rocky bottom bouncing all the way. You in the same breath tell me that if you sell you house you can live dept free where ever you want.
That is just great.
I love to complain about my life too but I do it here where no one cares.
I am all about being the shoulder to cry on but the more stress I take on the less coherent I become.
Just shut up and leave me alone.
O and I mean this in the nicest way.

One Year Down

This first year was tough for us but we made it through and we did it together. I just want to take this moment to tell you that I love you and I like you. I couldn’t do this without you.
Thank you to all our friends and family that take part in our lives.

New outlook

Well I have dropped. My rein of Google is over.

But there is always tomorrow.

More to come

I am working on a good post and I hope to have it up in a day or so.

Stay with me people, it will be worth it because if I can just get you to laugh my job will be done.

Google

The sky has opened and the sound of angels singing fills the air.

I have arrived.

If you type in rougholive today in Google my site will come up first.

I would like to thank the academy, my parents, and all the little people I had to step on in order to arrive to the top of the list.

To bad very few people are out there looking for Rough Olive and her quarky view on life.

Keeping the faith.

Have you ever sat in a room with other people, all each working on their own project and you become so committed to what you’re doing that by the time you feel tired and need some inspiration you look up to find yourself sitting in a empty room?
I am finally bringing my head up and I am finding myself in an empty room.
(My dear family and friends, please don’t misunderstand me)
There are things in everyone’s life that they can only do alone and for me dedicating myself to school is one of those things. I know that no one can do it for me. It is my ability to schedule my time to make my life functional.
What I am getting to is that I am here for the next two years and I have already made some commitments that I can’t break.
I have never quit anything in my life that was good for me. I have quit some that were bad, but that is another story.
I have never given up all hope either. I have been lost and wanted to quit in bouts of desperation but the bottom line is that I (we all) must keep going.
People of the Baby Boomer Generation keep saying to me “Well when I was in school they thought us all about _______.” Well your generation messed it up for my generation by making the television our babysitter so please stop saying that you are so great and smart because if you were I would know what you already know, but at 16 not 61.
What I am alluding to is that I must learn to work through my hardship and figure out how to continue living my life to its most enjoyable aspects.

Wizard (Click Here)

I really just want to change the mood this morning because the last two entries have been down.
So I am going to give myself some advice.

"It is perfectly okay to write garbage – as long as you edit brilliantly."
– C.J. Cherryh

Here is a quote from my favorite web site.
I like this because it made me giggle this morning.
I hope you enjoy it too.

Nothing Special

Today I did some shopping at Big Lots for cheap Halloween decorations then I came home and made some soup.
I totally spaced on Manolo and feel ready bad about it.
I don’t now where this drive to want to be perfect comes from. I hated people like me when I was young and I don’t like people like me now, so how did I become this person? Who really wants to be liked by everyone anyway?
I should not give two terds about what other people think of me.
More and more though I just want to stay home and not do anything social.
I had friends here in Tampa but for whatever reason I have pushed them all away or just blatantly ignored them. Not because I am tired of them but I just don’t feel like I can get out of the house.
I get up in the mornings and go to work always leaving the same time as Manolo so that I will not be in the house alone. Then I work, and then I go to school and finally I head home to be with Manolo. I don’t really want to do anything else. It is kind of sad but I think this town is starting to wear me out.
Or maybe I am just standing in the middle of my dark tunnel and can’t see light from either end so I am feeling hopeless and discouraged.
The past two weeks off of school really just give me enough time to get a taste of the “boring” life style that I so miss and yearn for.
Be here for another two years so I am sure you will be hearing more about this.
Sorry if it seems so down but I am just not feeling it this week.

Daily Event

My main squeeze and I are trying to make some extra money and clear some clutter from out itty-bitty house so we are selling some of my old textbooks from last quarter on eBay. Last night we headed out around 9pm to the postal office by the airport that is open 24 hours a day. Once we got there we head in the doors books in tow and look for something to put the books in for shipping. The store that has the big envelopes was closed but that didn’t deter my husband one bit. He walked over to the counter grabbed the cheapest mail service envelope and proceed to stuff the biggest hardcover textbook we had into it.
To no ones surprise it didn’t fit but again my husband is no quitter and pulled the book out, turned it around and pushed till it j u s t fit. Then he squeeze the top shut and even though the top of the book could still be seen he grabbed some tape and covered that envelop leaving just enough room to put an address on it.
As we head to the line, which really isn’t very long since it is 9:30 by now, and stand there waiting patiently till one guy behind the counter decides to open just for us. We approach and throw out packages on the counter. We start to joke with the guy about what we are shipping and that our 1 year anniversary is coming up. We are all standing there laughing it up and ordering stamps.
Then it happens he gives us a balance and we hand him a debit card. He runs the card and walks away as it is processing. My husband looks over the counter and sees that he has been declined, Woops! The bank closed that card because there were suspicious charges on it that my husband didn’t make. Well that is ok we have another one and we hand it to him, hehe woops that one doesn’t have any money in it either because we just paid all our bills with that account.
Here comes me “I will save the day” I hand over another debit card and by this time the guy behind the counter can’t stop laughing at how poor we are. I mean we were just joking with him about how our first year of marriage has been a poor one and that is why the first gift is paper. THAT IS ALL ANYONE CAN AFFORD! Anyway so I hand him my card and say don’t worry this one should have something in it. Do I have to go on any more? It was declined. Hehehehehehe it was the same card my husband handed him but with my number on it.
Ok at this point we are asking if we could work off the different at the post office. The guy behind the counter can’t stop laughing at us and my husband is starting to really get embarrassed. Finally I pull out my debit card and it has just enough to cove the charge and we pay for our stuff and walk out of the post office like nothing ever happened.
Always something going on over here.

I hope ya’ll enjoy that one there are more to come.

School is in

Last night after work I raced home so I could start dinner and clean the house a little. After getting dinner started my phone rings and it is Manolo but as I go to pick it up it quits ringing. At the same time I hear a little knock at my door. I assume that it is Manolo and he needs help carrying something in and that is why he was calling, so I could open the door. But as I approach my door there is a shotgun blast of knuckles that shoot across the door, then the door bell rings. I am a little worried at this point because Manolo doesn’t knock like a wild banchy. The closer I get to the door the louder I can hear little voices, little girl voices. I open the door and there are the three neighbor girls from up the street. I am greeted with three of the biggest smiles I have ever seen followed up with a “HI, would you like to buy some raffle ticket, there only a dollar and you could win 50,000 dollars”
It was really only 5,000 and that was the top prize but 50,000 is close enough.
“Sure, you know, I will buy two”
The little girl replies.
“I knew you would, when we started I said we should go to that girls house because she is nice and she always sits on her porch and waves when we go by”. The little girl next to her just smiled and said “Ya, Ya”.
I went to find the (two dollars) and they continued to talk to me as I walked through my house peppering me with questions like how old are you, do you live here alone, how long have you lived here, and so on.
I found the two dollars and as I was filling out the raffle while one little girl proceeded to tell me that I look 19 and that I must be cool because I have piercing and old people don’t have those. They also said they liked my house and that I kept it really clean (she caught me on a good day). The little girl next to her just smiled and said “Ya, Ya”.
The second girl yells out “My mom is old and already had her life crisis; she was going to but a car but instead she just lost weight”. I could not help but laugh at this a little.
I gave them my tickets and they told me I would be contacted by the school if I won and that they wouldn’t be the ones calling me. But before they stepped off my porch they where sure to thank me and said they would see me when I drive past their house.

Self Interview 10/01/06

I have grown and matured
I have spent the last 10 years of my life learning and accepting what has been taught to me
For as much as I have learned I have forgotten
Maybe I was a bad person in my youth but today I try my best to be the best that I can be
The point is
We are always learning and evolving into who we are at this time
But we will keep changing the more we learn
So don’t label yourself anything because chances are that it wont last.

Yesterday I was an artist
Today I am a scholar
Tomorrow maybe a spectator

Need a Band-aide?

I rarely talk about my pets on my blog because I find it truly uninteresting to read about other people’s animals and I wouldn’t want to put anyone through that. But some stories must be told.
We have a four-day vacation in Las Vegas and ask some family members to check on the cats well we are out. So far so good, but we have a very unruly yellow cat named Poncho who is a lot like his human mom in the manor of disobeying all that challenge. This is strange for a cat, at least to me.
Anyway back to the story.
David, my husband’s cousin, checked on the cats and reported that Poncho didn’t want to come in the house. This is normal for him, seeing that he walks only to the tune of his own drum. Again this is an example of his human mom. Strange!
We return home on Saturday morning to find both cats are out and are patiently waiting to be let in and fed.
Upon the hugging and kiss of both pets my husband said to me “There is something wrong with Poncho.” I then found a huge hole in Ponchos neck, I won’t even go into the sheer smell of the thing. It was grows!
This afternoon, since I have just so much time, I rushed out of work early and took him to the vets to have it checked out.

Long story short
Some Anastasia
Three stitches
And a new haircut

Priceless

Vegas Baby

I am back from Las Vegas and have lots to talk about.

I had time to spend with the family and take in some desert sights.

I love the desert but man is it dry. My skin feels like a reptile what has been hit by car and is on the side of the road drying up in the hot sun!

Anywho I was able to smuggle some hand cream on the plane, which helped immensely, just don’t ask me how I got it through the intensely secure line of the airport police and the ever strong forces of their wounds.

Also please take a look at my flickr account where there are more pictures.

More to come!

duh

Sometimes I do things without thinking.
and sometimes my brain is so full of stuff that I don't make sense

Zoom Zoom

We are preparing for another trip.
On Thursday morning we will be jetting off to Las Vegas.
This should be very interesting because this is Manolo’s first time out there.
I will be sure to bring back lots of stories and pictures.

Blue Bird Blogs

Check out what I just found.

http://bluebirdblogs.blogspot.com/

It is an easy read and is very informable.
Happy blogging

Self interview 091406

Full circle

Being faced with your past makes you aware of who you once were and who you are today.
It is funny to me that at 13 I knew who I was, what I wanted, and how to feel
But then things changed and I took an emotional growth trip around the block
Now I am 26 and right back at my 13 year old self
Of course I have grown mentally and physically but my views on life are the same

My question is if I had just stayed the way I was would I be who I am today?
Or would I be worse off because I didn’t have those crucial experiences that lead me to be my 13 your old self again?

Then:
I had long hair and a peaceful view of the world.
Between:
----------------Scary stuff and scary people---------
Now:
I have long hair and a peaceful view of the world.

Next thought:
I guess I needed that time in a drug induced coma to realize that I can still be that free 13 year-old and handle the challenges of adulthood.

Self Doubt

I clime this latter of life trying to reach the top.
Every day is another step and you would think that at my age I would have a better understanding of boundaries.

I would have the ability to overcome my fear of screwing up.
Overcome the fear of failure.

See I know by now that without taking risks you will go nowhere.
So why was it so hard for me to pick up the phone, at work, and ask what the client wants?

Because I was afraid of looking dumb.
Now I have let the issue at hand go on for three days and that makes me look worse then if I had just picked up the phone and asked the question, even if it seemed dumb at the time.

Once realizing this I asked myself do I do this in my personal life too.
That would explain the business plan that sits in my office not being used, collecting dust.

I can see my life changing right in front of my eyes. I am changing, my family is changing, it is maturing. I am taking another step in the right direction, I know I am.
I just need to get over myself and do it.

Cause a verb to happen.

Husband

You yell from the back room but I can’t seem to yell back
This, I think is because it forces me to try to get to you faster

When we talk, your views have changed and I can see a stronger man
A sexier man

You sleep light so when I fuss over not being able to sleep you wake up enough to brush my hair back, calming me

The words that drift from our mouths and into our ears are really heard by one another

We still play like school children

I want to be next to you in all your endeavors, forever

My pet name for you is commonly used among jail house jokes, that makes me laugh

Only you can make me giggle in a way that I wouldn’t want my friends to hear

We have code words that only our friends know

I hope you have a great day

Your wife

Random things

Favorite place to be:
Swimming where the rain meets the water.

The walls crack
The doors squeak
The wind howls through the window pains
The floors creak from the pitter-patter of the cat’s paws
But I am alone and the house is still
But yet I can’t help but hear a symphony of music being created from this 72-year-old house.

Poor Maggie she and her farm always get a bad rap.

Introducing Cotton Girl:
Breaking through the constraints of the nylon polyurethane mold of the everyday rat race.


Your family is as close as you want them to be.
Women tend to have children all together.
Since the human’s body doesn’t produce a litter of children we have multiple mothers with single children being born at one time.
However the women tend to have them close in time and raising them up in the tribe of family members.
Tribal knowledge.

The validity of oneself seen through the eyes of another is not imperative to me.

My body swells
The hunger grows
The attitude rears its ugly head
Pointing fingers and placing blame
Showing its undesirables
Then the sadness comes to play followed with great gilt
I am down on my knees
I beige for forgiveness
But why should I be cleansed of my deeds?

What am I talking about in this head of mine?

Far Away

Where do we go from here?

Have I traveled to far from home?
Making it virtually imposable to ever return.

The moments in our lives that take us to new places and to different levels of life is the journey.

Third floor boyfriends and dramas
Sixth floor engagements and weddings

Well I have seen enough to know that I have a lot to learn and I need to reflect that in my mind to help me see a clear view of who I want to be in the future.
I find myself asking myself, if the stress and depression from school and work is worth it.
I think of all the time I am missing with friends and family.
Are my pets seeing enough of me and is the laundry done.
All these things shape the way I am, so do I think it’s worth it.
No! I don’t but I know that in a few years when I look back on it I hope to feel accomplished and not regretful.

Twentieth floor empty nester and retirement

Just go with it and don’t force anything.

Today who knows

If given the opportunity to be contacted or contact someone you knew would you do it?
Think about the years that you spent pulling yourself from the person you once were only to be sucked in by a click and a moment of time. All the time you spent developing yourself into a new person will be gone because you contacted someone who knows who you really were… because they saw you in a light that you didn’t even see yourself in.

I have been spending the last six years trying to shake the past twenty only to be confronted with the chance to be exposed.

I have built a life that gives me the ability leave this country, never to be seen again.

And I ask myself do I really want to do that?
Would I really do that?

I would never be able to leave my family but the United States?
I bet I could!

But the truth is why would I do that?
I can’t run from life forever.

I love my husband very much and I know that if or when he wants to go home I will be by his side.

I think that would be nice.

We will cross that bridge when we get there.

My Hood...

Well I am back from the hood and have a lot to talk about.

I am really moved as to how lucky I truly am.
The people I call family are honest, loving, and beautiful.

Even the people that I think I scared as a child.
They have all excepted me and my new family, with open arms.
I don’t want this to change.

Food for the soul!

Fried Green Tomato’s
A Trip to the country
Reading to Sage
The endless conversations at the kitchen table

This is the recipe of the good life.

Finally I have made it.

Think about it

On a lighter note and not letting things that get you down keep you down.
Here is a view I have been working on.

I have been thinking of things to set me apart from everyone else and maybe make some money at it.
I read and write and seek advice but I always seem to come off as a sniveling never was. I feel like in my quest for knowledge I am just bothering people.
Kind of like the little sister grabbing at the shirt of an older sister who doesn’t think it’s cool to be seen with her little sister.
This would explain why I never hear back from anyone, but after some thought I come to this:
People can’t do anything for me because they don’t know me from Eve.
They are people of movement and want to see action, I have to be able to step from the line of others and prove that I am a fighter like them.
In their eyes they have already walked this path and now it is my turn, I must take those same steps they have already taken in order to be able to understand.

Take my time take my money

Today I am an emotional wreck. This is not the norm for me and that is why I am writing about it.
I put a lot of stress on myself and I carry a lot of stress from outside sources.
I spend a lot of my time shutting out the feelings that overwhelm my mind and body every day.
But today it is too hard to ignore the screams of the dark angels. Finally I have broken down and started to cry uncontrollably.
I am just speechless
There is nothing else that can bother me today
I have broken

But just for today
Today I have a mid-term
Tomorrow I have a mid-term
And then I leave town.

I am going to sped four days in the country where I will be surrounded with
Friends
Family
Myself
Nature and quiet
I am planning on trying to connect with my inter-self to find out where all my feelings have gone. Maybe then when I get back I will feel anger and strength and not just this overwhelming feeling of “O well it will get better”

Finally

Well here ya go for all of you who want to see what the wedding look like.
It was almost a year ago and I am just getting to take care of some of the wedding pictures. What does that tell you about me...
I hope you enjoy what I post and I am hoping to put more up on flickr.

Today

The inside of my body swirls like a wild tornado.
I can feel the spinning of the wind current wanting to turn my body with it.

I struggle to ignore the pain of an invisible ice pick penetrating my right ear sending shocks of crippling pain through my head and jaw.

On the outside I just look tired and lazy.

Because there's just no pictures to describe!

Here is a letter to the head director for my program at school. I was telling him that I am having trouble with a teacher and needs some help on how to deal with him. He suggested a meeting. This was the first letter I wrote to get how I really felt off my chest and was not really sent to anyone, it was never to see light. But I am bringing it out to make me feel better. I hope you enjoy it too.

Mr. Lachapelle,
I have been giving much thought to your suggestion to have a one on one meeting with Mr. Heideman and I don't think it will be necessary. I think that the meeting will be just something else for him to hold against me and I don't think it is a good idea. Anyway that you cut it I will be the bad guy and being that you two are "friends" I don't see how I will even be heard. I also think that Mr. Heideman will have his views and I will be seen as an unruly student. That being said, I don't see him going any where soon and I will have to have other classes with him that will just lead me to drinking harder and destroying my body. Seeing that I am tiring to get pregnant, any more stress in my life is not wanted. I will just take the C or D he gives me and be glad that I didn't fail. I will also take the necessary steps to lie to him by agreeing to what ever he said and I will be sure to tell him that he is a great man just to feed his ego. I understand that all fallen somebodies need that from time to time.

Thank you for you time.

Kind regards,
TA

Home Sweet Home

You allow me the freedom to be me.
That is the priceless gift that you give me.
To be me as myself.
There is nothing that I hide from you.
What you see is what you get.
This is my favorite place to be.

Who is out there?

I recently added a counter to my blog. This will record every time a person clicks to my blog whether it be a mistake or just someone patiently waiting for my next brain regurgitation. But I click on my blog maybe six times a day and what I really want to know is who really reads this stuff. I know my family and friends do but I want to know if there is anyone who I don’t know and has just started reading purely out of interest. So what I am asking is for everyone who reads this to please leave a comment so I can see who all of you are. I would also like to thank all of you for reading the crap that comes out of my head. I hope that everyone gets a kick from hearing about the life I live. I know that this is kind of going out on a limb and of course there is that fear that I am speaking to an empty auditorium but non-the-less I am ok with the outcome either way.

By the way this picture is of me and my childhood friend, Jason. He was the first person who I befriended simply because he was the neighbor. Sadly his life was cut short and he was hit by a car at 13. It was a great tragedy but we live on with him in our memories.

All my life

I have this little thing that has interested me since I was a child. All my letters and numbers have gender and personalities.

Example:
No. 1 is a young boy who has a wise under lining soul.
No. 2 is a teenage girl who looks up to 5.
No. 3 is a teenage girl the snooty cheerleader type who kind of picks on 2.
And so on.

I didn’t know that there are other people living with this, or that there was a name for it but there is and it is called Synesthesia. Now that I know of this condition I am going to look into it. It is really interesting to read about and to have.
I mean there are people with psychic abilities, autism, and many other conditions but you don’t hear too much about people who can smell the colors and aren’t tripping on acid.
I will be spending some time reading up on this and I will keep you all posted on my condition.

Bad brain BAD

There are a multitude of things happening right now.
Last weekend we were supposed to go to Ohio, but that in itself is still to disturbing to talk about and will have to be a rainy day story.
The truth is that I am home sick and need my pilgrimage.
I miss the quiet of my dad’s back yard and the somberness of the woods surrounding the house.
I want to use words like red up the room and not get crazy looks form people in ear shot.
I miss my dear friends and their kids.
I know there is always an option of moving back, but really there isn’t. You see the economy there is poor unless you are a doctor, lawyer, or part of the baby boomer generation. The great paying factory jobs that were there are slowly being phased out and that is why they call it the Rust Belt.

Which brings me to my next complaint; I am back in class with my most favorite teacher who I have previously written about. I will not mention any names just in case.
So we are having a class discussion about the wows of the corporate world and how to try to fix them when out of this guy’s mouth he says, “The manager who signed the contract with the union to give the employees three years notice on the closing of the planet is an idiot and should be fired.”
Ok that is where I can keep my silence no more.
I explain to him that I am from the Youngstown, Ohio area and come from generations of factory works. Being that he has spent some time in Cleveland, he knew where Youngstown is and what it is about, but apparently he has never lived the Blue Collar life. But that is ok and yes I know that the way things were is a thing of the past but he should respect my debate. I really laid into him, and thins is not just about Youngstown, it is about every small forgotten town in the US.
Anyway after I got tired of hearing myself talk I looked around the room and saw the faces of my poor classmates who had to watch me bleed my heard all over the room. I was totally unprepared to see myself in this passionate light and was a little embarrassed.
After this happened I had to rush home and consult the board of directors, being my sister and my dear friend Ang. Well Ang went along with me but Shannon was a little iffy.
Lesson learned. Do not express your blotted bleeding heart to your cut-throat republican teacher.

Side note:
I thought that years of listening to Jello Biafra and pounding the “Down with Corporate America” was behind me.
Guess not.

Family Affair

True to form, as soon as you start telling people your plans, they fall through.
For a few months now we have been planning on moving to Seattle.
We started lining things up with our schools, living quarters, and work but then some thing happened.

Ten months ago Manolo and I were about to get married when his work moved him away for almost four months. In that four months apart we realized how important our time together is and how being a workaholic is not worth the repercussions. Upon returning home he was without a job and a little jaded, well I was a little more then he was. Ok I was out right pissed, but not at him.
As we kept going, Manolo found a job but we still had the intent on leaving because we really didn’t have anything here that we were attached to. Plus Florida has one of the lowest graded school systems in the country.

Ok back to the story

I have been known to say to my friends that there is a reason for everything. Well I have come to the point where I need to heed my own advice.
A few months ago Manolo and I worked out our three year plan. We set some goals and thought it was workable and adventuress.
Then Manolo got a promotion at work but we still had the mind set to leave.
The closer we got to filling out paper work and working on the house to sell it we decided to bring the word to the family that we would be moving to the west coast.
This is very far because all the family is on the east coast.

It went over like a lead balloon.



There was some support in there but it was very apparent that it was souly out of kindness.
The following day I was promoted at my work.
The bells rang loud and the sign was taken.
We are going to tough it out here in Florida for the next two years, and then move to South Carolina where we can be closer to family and friends.

Funny how in my youth the only family I had was the friends I made in Youngstown, but now I get that blood is thicker then water thing.

To my Youngstown family:
Thank you Nate, Ernie, Rusty, Frank, Jon, and even Tommy. You guys taught me so much and I love you for it, no matter where you are or what you have done. You guys were the only family to show up and support me when my family failed.

Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z

What the lack of sleep can do to a person.
Well spelling errors are becoming a reoccurrence with all of my writing.
The mind gets fuzzy
Mescals get jittery
Insane ideas come into the mind, this for me is common, but the line is draw when I decided to share these thoughts with the people around me
Driving drunk seems to be safer then driving tired

I will get sleep tonight, maybe.
On Friday morning Manolo and I will be jetting of to the country (doesn’t that sound nice, it is just to Bazetta – Ya look that place up) we are going home to my dads place. I am hoping to get some well deserved sleep there and a few hours playing in the woods taking pictures. My classes are really kicking my ass anymore. It seems like they are getting longer and more involved.
I will only be two more years of this; I guess I can do it.

Right?

P.S. Sorry for not having any photos but I have to find time to take them.

The HUB

Every time we see our good friend Freddy we reveal something about ourselves that we buried deep inside and it haven’t seen the light of day in years.
You know those little things that are always forgotten about.
Our topics are never the same and are always tongue in cheek.
A couple of cheap beers in a smoke filled bar reveled, this past weekend, some great stories.
Situations that occur in our lives make us who we are but they do not define us.
As time has shown we can clime mountains only to reach the top and tumble down, falling fast and losing our way.
Or
We can start off running only to fall in a hole, but then we clime out and look down at our body to see that it is still relatively clean and with just a little dusting can be better then before.
Our topics are never the same and are always tongue in cheek.

My point is that if you are having doubt or are sad just look back for a moment and you will see that at some time you had the strength to pull through and all you need to do now is remind yourself not to sweat the small stuff.

Fear washes over

Here I am doing my best to be myself through and through.
But what happens when you give yourself to yourself but it is not good enough?
It is never good enough in the eyes of the artist.
There is always something that can be made better or changed or tweaked.
O if I could go back and do that again I would…
It is what it is whether it is for you or for the world
I just have to do what I do when it is time.
It will come not by force but by will.

I think I need a new bed my neck hurts and my body is tired.

By the way these did not sell. Not even for a dollar.

Something positive

Property of Joanne Goberish do not reproduce.

I was talking to an old friend last week about how our lives have changed and where we would be if thing were different.
There was a lot of giggling and some gasping.
She now has two children and a busy life where I am still living the ‘married no kid’s life’ and that is ok.
I am coming to terms with this like a lion comes to terms with a thorn in his toe.
But after talking with her I remembered why we got along so well.
She is a great artist and a very inspirational spirit.
I miss her dearly but I know that there will come a point when I am going to be close to my family again.
Where she and I can sit at a kitchen table and talk over coffee. Some day…

Both my husband and I are far from our families, his being in South America and mine being in the north but that is kind of how we met and we know that we are going to take a long journey around but we will end up closer to our ken then before.
We by nature are travelers and though it sometime makes the heart sore it is our mo.

Hope to keep in touch with ya’ll!

July mid month

My brain is filled with questions today. Looking at the big picture I am really questioning everything. The home front is on egg shells, the moving front is on the brakes, and the money is to depressing to think about. The overwhelming weight of this is wearing on me and my family. To top it all off I have to go back to school this week and deal with the late nights and the bad eating habits.

I can’t stop thinking about the huge dept that has been stacking up over the years of my adult education and how in the hell am I going to pay for it all? I don’t even know what I want to do that is going to pay for my dept.

The gilt of my actions is swirling around my head like a caracal that doesn’t stop. Between the miscommunication and the silence of the house; makes me not know if I want to stop the ride and get off or if I should just keep going and wait it out. Either way, I really don’t have a direction or drive to do anything.

Quote:
"Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin."- Grace Hansen

Maybe I should just shut up and take this advice.

Fro In

guess who's back, back againg, fro is back, tell a friend....

Good day to all, and happy July!
July is the month of CANCER!!! finally!! i have waited many days and many nights to be the center of attention (zodiac attention that is) and it now awaits me!

CANCER 6/21-7/22
FAMOUS PERSON BORN UNDER CANCER, FRO 6/30 : )
RULING PLANET: MOON
RULES: BREASTS AND STOMACH
ELEMENT: WATER
POLARITY: FEMININE
NATURE: FRUITFUL
COLORS: SILVER, GREEN
SYMBOL: CRAB
KEY WORDS: NURTURE, PROTECT, EMOTION

CANCER'S HOROSCOPE FOR JULY
"THINGS HAPPEN! TAKE DEEP BREATHS, PASTE ON THE SMILE, AND FLOW WITH LIFE'S RHYTHEMS. THE HAPPENINGS ARE DESIGNED TO MOTIVATE YOU, TO ENHYANCE YOUR GROWTH IN A SUMMER YOU WON'T SOON FORGET."
SORRY EVERYONE ELSE, CANCER RULES "THIS MONTH!!!!"
I LOVE BANANAS
TATTOO SOON!!
FRO SIGNING OFF...


SORRY EVERYONE ELSE, CANCER RULES THIS MONTH!!!!
I LOVE BANANAS
TATTOO SOON!!
FRO SIGNING OFF...

Just some writing

I have been writing down every thought that comes through my head and here isone of them:
There is a rough part of skin on my foot that is a map of each step I have taken in every shoe I have ever bought.
I might not have crow’s feet around my eye but I have an entire map of every step on the bottom of my foot.
Funnny is it not?

The risks we take

The closer that we get to moving west the more fear spreads through my body infecting my soul like a cancer. I am looking at my worldly possessions and think about how long it took me to get here and how the move could take that all away from me.
The amount of time there is also weighs on my mind. The two years that we are looking to live there and the few years we are planning on staying in Colombia are putting my want to settle down off into the next ten years. To top it all off I still want to have children soon.
These are things that plague my mind at night and keep me imprisoned in insomnia.
I have also been having thoughts and visions of bad things happening around me. A shadow of a large man standing at the foot of my bed; a severing of limbs making it hard to work and live; car accidents that leave just the broken soul of a person sitting at the edge of their bed crying.
And money!
Money and I are not friends or companions. I am quite afraid of it and don’t like flashing it or having it flashed in front of me. It makes my skin crawl just looking at it. But I know that it is an essential element to life and though we can live without it I know that we technically can’t in today’s world. Unless I am willing to go and live my life in some cabin in the woods where I do nothing but eat berries and hunt animals. I am betting that I am not going to jump off that limb anytime soon.

I know it is the little things in life that make up the big things.
But it is still scary.

Just a thought

The Fear That Washes Over Me

Here I am doing my best to be myself through and through.
But what happens when you give yourself to yourself but it is not good enough?
It is never good enough in the eyes of the artist.
There is always something that can be made better or changed or tweaked.
O if I could go back and do that again I would…
It is what it is whether it is for you or for the world
I just have to do what I do when it is time.
It will come not by force but by will.
I think I need a new bed my neck hurts and my body is tired.

FRO

Happy Birthday

Angela