To diet or not to diet, what is the question???

So I want to clean up my diet. I have been really looking at what I eat and when I eat it. Really I am not consuming bad things like cake, chips, and sodas. When I divvy out my food it is not in abundance, so when I started looking into dieting I came with the approach that it is not a diet but a life change. I mean really it is my diet but there seems to be some confusion as to what a diet is. I mean if I tell someone I am planning on changing my diet they just look at me as say that I don’t need to lose any weight. But the thing is that in the 80’s to tell someone you are going on a diet means you are giving up all the bad food that makes one fat. But today it is more about eating the right stuff without all the chemicals and in portions that will be digested before you go to sleep. Not to hard right?
Step one: look at what I am eating and read the labels.
Step two: freak out and passout in front of the pantry. When I regain consciousness I trash half the stuff on the shelves.
The labels are there to help not hurt, just read them and know that this is not going to happen in a day.
Biggest thing to give up is SUGAR…
Baby steps.
I will keep you posted.

I have not had a chance to stop and think about my last entry, but I sold the car and have all my homework in.
I did however have the opportunity to watch a re-run of the documentary called “Crazy, Sexy Cancer”.
Not that I am trying to make a habit of staying up late and watching documentaries and crying for hours on end. As I was watching it it occurred to me that my voice on the issue of women with cancer seems to be drowned out in my head by all the other voices with their own stories. I felt lost in my own head knowing full well that I am not alone and those others, a mass of people, are also feeling the same loss. I watched this show and thought about my mom, who was a 7 year survivor of Brest cancer until she was taken by a spreading of Bone cancer throughout her body. I watched these strong willed women and their bodies change with the signs of cancer. The swelling limbs, the lose of hair, tubes coming from versus pars of their bodies and I thought what overwhelming power they have. I can only wish that I was there for my mom when she went through that. The problem with my mom; however, was that she was a very private woman and kept much of her cancer to herself. I envy these women who have the strength to get mad and speak out because my mom didn’t and never wanted to. I can’t help but think that if she had she might be here today still fighting.
I just can't put in word the deep respect I have for those who can look death in the face, throw there arms up (ballerina style) and skip away smiling. There way of saying "You will get me soon enough but until then, you will not bother me, now shuw"

Considering the thought
For a moment of my day I am going to try to meditate on the idea of quitting what I know and image what it would be like to embark on a dream of doing what I want, when I want, and be profitable in doing so.
Dreamers are just dreamers and a wast if those dreams aren’t turned into reality, thus changing the name from dreamer to inventor.
I want to be a dreamer that becomes the inventor without denying or compromising my well being.
I don’t expect it to be easy or without tears.
I also don’t want to dwell on it as if I was writing up a business plan.
That is too binding and limits my dream.
To much reality

I will try to keep you posted.

I haven’t written anything in ages and I wanted it to be worth reading.
So I started writing anything and everything.
About my anniversary of two years with my husband.
About my heading back to school and the miserable feeling I have about it and how I had to get drunk for the first class just to get through it.
About how I miss the cold weather and am quite ready for the fall.
There are so many things that I want to talk about but I didn’t want to bore you with a grocery list of things going on in my life.
So I think I am going to tell you a short story.
Well…
I thought it over and decided that I would not bore you with that either.
Wow what does that tell you about my inspiring mind.
You know I was told that school and teachers would do their very best to destroy or distort that part of my the body and they where right.
I got nothing.
For right now anyway.

Endurance and Hope

Endurance will keep my breathing strong and my rhythm steady.
I just need to get to that stop sign at the church parking lot, and then I can stop and take a breath.
It empowers my will and takes charge over all internal and external feelings making me numb from the pain of my ankles and the cramp in my ribs, so now my attention is only on how far I have to go.
It is the point where I mentally go to a strong place in my mind that is my focus, my center.
It takes me beyond my breaking point to concerns, even if it is just to the stop sign at the church.

Endurance is also how much you can take.
I can endure a lot without giving up hope.
However the down side of that is when you want something you know you are not ready for and even though I know it is not the right time, there is that ever nagging hope that brings me to how much I can ENDURE.
I want to, just this time, stop the endurance and hope.
I want to have had enough but my endurance and hope are to strong, it is back firing on me.

SuPErHerO Challenge # 3

This was taken on my way into work one morning.
Enjoy.

Sweet Memories

I was just reading back on some of my posts and this one made me laugh so I had to bring it back to the surface. I hope ya'll get as much enjoyment from this as I just did.
By the way I still have weeks like this.

BAD DAYZ

It has taken me a whole week to be able to talk about last weeks events.
For starters Mondays always suck and I spent the day thinking about how I was late on some homework and had a test to take on Tuesday. Not to mention I started my Monday morning off with my cold tea landing in my lap with white pants on…
Tuesday- I had my class and took my test and had another run in with my teacher because, this guy doesn’t want to give me extra credit because he doesn’t want to be bothered with it. (I am paying 60,000 dollars to go to this school and he has the audacity to tell me he doesn’t want to be bothered…ok I don’t want to be bothered with paying my bill…)
Wednesday was a heavy load work day at my so called career, and when I was studding in my car, eating a little din-din my soda exploded all over my lap and I swear it looked like I had wet my pants. Great I will not be defeated by drinks!! So I hoist my legs up into the air flying eagle/porn queen style and point my vents down full blast and dry my crotch out like a pro.
But hope came to me in class when I received a few complements for my photograph…”A” to me!
Thursday I didn’t have class so it was all good.
Friday I don’t remember I think I blocked out all the bad memories.

Back Home

Just to keep everyone posted.
Red Soda has been very busy planning for the little package growing in her belly. By this she and her Smooch have been working out the logistics of buying a new house and filling it with their worldly positions. She is also busy trying for a new position at work. You can see why she has had no time to write.
Crab with a Spot of Ink has had her little sack of sugar with hair and is busy being mommy.
I am very happy for them both and can’t wait to see my ever growing family.

SuPeRHeRo Challenge

What is it?

You know that list of things you always wanted to do before you die?
Well I have been so busy finishing what I started that I forgot that this is what I wanted.
You know looking up on things, I always get what I want because I fight for it.
However!
I didn't think it was going to take this long.
I forgot what it was all about.
But because I have great friends and a supportive family.
They brought it all back into perspective.
And sometimes we just need to hear it over and over and over again till it sticks.
What a hard head I am!
DIRKA!

Sunny Side Up Please.

Time has been a flying by and soon I will be heading back to the home lands for a little RR, well kinda, not really. Ang is having her baby shower and it is time to start rubbing the growing belly of Shannon.
It will be nice to head home even if it is for just a few days.
As for the past few entries Manolo and I are getting closer every day to trying again and that seems to comfort me more and more.

Things that have been on my mind:
I can’t do everything and it is ok not to be on the top of the pile beating my chest declaring that I can do anything at any time. Right now I am doing the best I can and soon this agonizing path I chose will come to a head and I can have my FULL life back.
I miss cooking and working out!
Only five more quarters to go if I get all my classes.

What I need to hear

I am going to steal something from The Wizard Academy becasue I think it is what needs to be heard.
Please enjoy.


Live Your Crowded Hour


Standing at your bedside, I don't know if you're dead or only sleeping.

Soon our friends will lay pennies on your eyes to pay Charon for your passage. A silly ritual, our friends will do it anyway.

But you were dead long before you died.

Something caused life to shrivel in you, bloodless and pale, until you began to smell of despair. Did fear of failure run so deep in you?

I was troubled by your passivity. I did not understand it. You refused encouragement. You sneered at good advice. You drank self-pity until it pickled your soul.

Did you never realize that He who gently made the lamb made the tiger also? Who strangled the tiger in you? Was it faulty religion? An overbearing parent? Wounded pride?

The tiger who fails is still a tiger. We do not laugh at it. A tiger is spectacular.

You understood the Jesus who turned water into wine at the wedding feast to save the young couple from embarrassment. You believed in that Jesus, the one who was kind and anonymously generous. But you never quite believed in the Jesus of the second half of that chapter [John 2] who braided a whip to drive the businessmen from the temple, who flung aside the tables of the moneychangers and scattered their cash and stampeded all their livestock.

Was there human blood on the whip when he was done do you think? Or did he just wave the whip over his head like a baton twirler in a halftime show and request that all the nasty, bad men please leave the premises immediately?

Jesus wasn't Gandhi. Jesus said that when someone jolted your jaw, the right thing to do was look them calmly in the eye and stick out your chin to give them a clean swing at the other side. This is how a tiger says, "Is that your best shot? You want another swing? Here, let me make this easy for you."

Turning the other cheek isn't submissive. It's defiant.

But you were never into defiance. You were more into whining.

I wish I could say I will miss you. But in truth, I've been missing you since the day your tiger died.

Roy H. Williams

"One crowded hour of glorious life is worth an age without a name."
– from Old Mortality, (1816) chap. 34, by Sir Walter Scott, (1771-1832)

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming: ‘Wow! What a ride!'" – Robert Wickman

What else about Intensity?




The MondayMorningMemo© of Roy H. Williams, the Wizard of Ads®
The Memo's home on the Web is at http://www.mondaymorningmemo.com

I am totally, kinda, sorta OK

Thank you all for your kind words!!
Because I know that the only thing to help the healing process is time.
I need to keep writing and put some time between this experience and us.
I get up every day and take the extra few minutes to put myself together a little better then I ever have in my entire life.
I dedicate my healing to the time between.
Though that pain is still on the surface I can see the end coming near. The days are long and though my body has finally at 20 something told me that, I am not wonder woman and that I too, like the masses of woman before me, am HUMAN.
I know you all probably already knew this but I really did think I could do everything (even if it was with mass bleeding)
Now the reality sets in…
So I get up do my hair and hit the door.
A know challenges wait for me on the other side and I have to look good for it.
For those of you who know me know DAMN well that I never get dressed up for anything and that this is a big deal!
We All Keep Going!

Don't ask me if I am ok.

The signs are all there.
The test came out clear.
Two lines.
Pregnant.
The house was filled with singing and dancing.
But then...
The doctor said something is a miss.
The sack is to small.
Your levels are to low.
It doesn't look like it should.
There is no heart beat.

I don't understand.

Now I have to make a choice
Natural?
or
Forced?

Dog Days

Caught myself doing it again.
I was playing outside too long and got bit by the homesick bug.
If I could just get 10 hours away maybe I wouldn’t feel so sick.
I was daydreaming on a real estate site
I am ready to have my family.
The family I left so long ago
The family that wasn’t there until years after I left
I want my dad, sister, and friend
They for me represent the security blanket that I have lived without for so many years
The summer nights at a picnic table
The winter afternoons at the kitchen table
Just talking
Just complaining
Just brutally judging other peoples values
I wish they made a repellent for that darn bug

Sweating Bullets

I am fulfilling one of my many wishes as a child, which is to see the world and even though I have been out of the country before, this trip will be the furthest from home I will have ever traveled. We are heading to the Outback all the way on the other side of the hemisphere. Wohw. I know that we will be traveling into open arms of security once we are there but still the fear of travel scares me more then ever. Once upon a time I would have the gal to jump into my car and drive for hours without thinking anything about it but as I get older I become more fearful and existed at the same time. Travel is all I ever wanted to do as a child and young adult but finally I have the money and time to do it and I couldn’t ask for a better travel partner then my husband. Going into the unknown is what we do best and I am sure we will grow from this. I mean he has taken me to his home land of Colombia, South America and that was fun even though I didn’t speak so much Spanish at the time, his friends and family treated me with respect and showed me love. But this trip is just the beginning of our life together as travelers. Keep an eye out for the pictures on my Flickr account.
See ya in the air!

I want to have my words DANCE!
Twirling and Whirling
With a cense of exhaustion
Overwhelmed with the loss of breath escaping from my smiling lips
The warm embrace of terms tickling my imagination
Blanketing and squeezing my ever evolving thoughts with comfort of knowledge

Who we are

We all have the language that we speak, that we are taught. Our FIRST language. This is the language that we are able to express ourselves the best in. But when you grow up and learn another language you then speak like a baby as you develop. But when it goes to showing other people your personal language you are an oddity and the terms that you use in your every day live become the obsession of the outsiders.
The question is that in today's Blogger and Flickr life how much do we really want people to know about ones self?
I mean that if I was to sit in a doctors office and over heard someone talk about something personal that they read on the internet, part of me would feel proud of my the unspoken influence but yet another would feel violated because these are the terms that are used with my family not the general pubic.

We all want to think the best of our predecessors but ultimately they are who we were.
Low expectations, lead great significance.

First off let me just say to those who really read this, "I am Sorry that It has Taken Me so long to write this, it's just that I needed to be Inspired."

My life not just life in general but MY LIFE...
I just wanted to be able to understand and relate to everyone I ever met and though that has been a tall order to fill for a little girl born in a county hospital, I think I have done OK.
And even though part of me feels as though I am bragging another part of me " the Mother Theresa Side" takes hold and tells myself that it is what it is. I am who I am and in that I have the ability to understand, sympathize, and talk with people of all ages and of different backgrounds.
I have been told that I have a great gift for insulting people or just saying the wrong thing to them. I didn't mean to turn out that way I just developed that TALENT. None the less I come off as a well mannered country girl, at work BUT the truth is I let the people see parts of me that I want them to see.
You know come to think of it I always wanted to be an actor and famous. Maybe I am an actor in my life playing the part that I am in for that time.
You see with you I am, or play, the person who can relate to you.

Random Thoughts

Since I haven't posted in a long time:

All my horror stories and novels have been shelved for the time being and replaced with my economic textbooks.
I don’t subscribe to the Hollywood of today anymore because it all seems like American propaganda.
I can’t find entertainment in television shows because my life is interesting enough as it is why I would want to watch someone?

The way words come together

The way words come together.
What does it mean when a dyslexic person reads things in their own way?
The words seem to play frogger amongst the other lines of someone's thoughts
Jumping up and down the line teasing my minds eye
Missing vowels and misplacement among letters
Half the time I make up what I think it should say and the other half is filled with frustrations
I want to write so I read
I want to have said that I have read
Reading is helping me to think, to understand and to feel
I feel the words flush through me like a cleansing of starvation
But like starvation when nothing is consumed nothing can come out.

You think of a title for this one

I have been consumed by the events happening in my house so much that I have let a lot of the general day to day stuff go unnoticed. Now it is time to get back to school and work but I am not sure I can focus on that right now. For what ever reason, I got up this morning and got ready as I always do but today on my way to work I couldn’t help but want to vomit every time I saw something I didn’t like. What I am getting to, is that I really am tired of looking at all these people. Everyone here is looking for something but it seems that well they spend all their time looking for that one great thing but they are passing up all the important little things. Those little things are some of the most important threads in the fabric of life. They are all sitting in traffic with their cars and they nice cloths waiting for some miracle to save them from themselves. This is bullshit and I see it. Not only do I see this happening I am sitting right in the middle of it with them watching it happens to me.
I have got to get out of this town or change my views!